Christmas came and went. It was good. Everyone got along, and I had a super amount of fun on boxing day. That's about it. I won't be that person you gives a list of what I got and what I did. I got stuff I liked and I had fun with my family. That's the important thing. Oh, and I went to Church, so no hell for me this year, I fulfilled my duty.
So now it's a new year. Hurrah.... I never got in to the whole new years thing. The date changes, that's it. It's like going Hurrah! Lets get drunk because at midnight it will be Tuesday. Because of this, I don't really celebrate it and I don't make resolution. Real change happens the moment you decide to do it, not weeks later on a random date. Those changes never stick. It's the reason gym memberships explode in January, but come mid-February, the place is empty again.
Despite this, I had a moment of change this week. Two actually. The first my mom. She likely has diabetes. She's been put on a special diet to see if it can be reversed because it could possibly be one of the med's she on, but the point is, I now know I have the genetic gun and the bullet for the disease, and I'm not stopping myself from pulling the trigger with my poor eating habits. I skip meals, I snack, I eat foods I shouldn't because I'm on campus and too poor to buy good food, I don't get enough veggies. All bad things. In an effort to avoid my mothers fate I made a few new rules for myself.
1. At least one proper meal a day (I'm a realist. I'm a student and I can't cook three meals a day). It must include at least 2 veggies, a protein and a dairy.
2. I am only allowed to buy food on campus once a week. This is so I can keep having lunch with my awesome anthro crew on Fridays. Coffee doesn't count. Neither do granola bars. Chips, cookies, bagels from Timmy's and candy bars do.
3. Drink more water and less juice. I don't drink soda, so at least I have that going for me.
4. Try and avoid snacking, particularly at night.
5. Some for of breakfast before class so I don't get hungry before it's time to go home. Even if its just a glass of milk and some crackers, its better than vending machine crap.
So far I've done well, and I already have more energy, but that might all be in my head. Yesterday was interesting because my stomach rebelled at all the extra veggies. I had waaaaay more than usual. I normally eat about 4, plus a glass or two of juice a day. Yesterday I had four at dinner alone, plus the ones I had lunch and breakfast. Apparently it was a slight stock to the system and it wasn't happy. I'm fine now and had the same amount today without feeling sick. Who knows,. maybe it was because I just didn't wash that zucchini properly.
The second moment was just a few hours ago. I was bored because its late Sunday night and there's nothing to do and I stumbled on a random blog. It's written by a late-20something girl who is everything I fear becoming/remaining. She complains about being overweight but does nothing to change it, bemoans her siblings success in regard to her own perceived failures, still lives with her parents, wishes she were married or at least had a serious boyfriend ("Like ever!" in her words), and spend her evenings and weekends at home watching a ridiculous amount of TV shows and movies which she then blogs about.
I saw parts of my self reflected in this blogger. She seems like a sweet girl who has self esteem issues and a slight fear of society, so she hides in TV and her family. Granted I have a few up on this girl, such as education, a completely consuming drive to leave my mothers home the moment I graduate and be independent, and a lack of patience with TV shows these days. There's hope for me yet, but I need to take steps to not become what is easy, but rather to who I want to be. Even if I am terrified. Even if they are hard. Even if I wish I had opted for the easy route. I just don't know how to do this yet. Give me time, I'll get it.
Happy things E (I'm skipping the second F. The first one was fine):
Elephants. Love them! Since I was a kid! But only African Elephants. I think Asian Elephants are ugly. I used to collect elephant things, that collection is currently in a Rubbermaid container in the rafters of the garage.
Showing posts with label my faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label my faith. Show all posts
Monday, January 7, 2008
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
End of an era.
I lost a friendship tonight.
I knew it was coming. I actually planned on initiating the conversation myself, but I wanted to do it in person. I felt I owed this person that much. They beat me to the punch and decided that instant messaging was good enough to end a three year friendship that, at one point, was very important to me. It ended in an exchange of messages that left me so angry I was literally shaking and then that was it. The anger is gone. While I am sure that I will lose other friendships as a result of the ending of this one, I am still not angry. Just saddened that it ended this way. I overestimated my former friend’s capacity to be accepting and understanding, a mistake I will try and avoid in the future. Now I just feel sorry for them for reasons I won’t elaborate further because, honestly, I said my piece and the public doesn’t need to know the particulars. Besides I could argue my position until the day I die, but it won’t change anything.
I had really hoped that this person and I could be quite mature about the situation, and not discuss it in blogs and such. I over-estimated them. Well I don’t feel much like taking the high road anymore. I’ve done it a lot. I’ve kept my mouth shut when things were said that pissed me off, I’ve tried to hold my tongue when rants were uttered for the thousandth time and I accepted stupid little comments about my flaws as a person (all of which I am perfectly aware of and do not need reminding of) all for the sake of preserving a friendship. After all, those who wish to have long term friendships must learn to have short term memories.
When I was a teenager I used to go to church several times a week. I won’t lie and say I went because I was uber religious. I went because my friends were there and it was the one place my mom would let me go and hang out without her supervision. I did learn a lot about my faith and friendship while I was there. I picked up quite a bit very useful advice from our youth pastors that has helped me everyday since he shared it with us. One of the things he told us was that we cannot go through life expecting things to be completely fair. Sometimes you will end up with the short end of the stick and that includes in friendships and we have to remember that not every friendship is an answer to your prayer, but rather you are the answer to someone else’s or at least you are there to do something God needs you to do. He taught us to believe that there is a purpose behind every action we do, and a reason why people enter and exit our lives. While we do not understand God’s purpose, we have to accept them and believe that we learned something, even if it was a lesson we care not to repeat.
So to that person who used to be my friend, just know that I am not angry; holding on to anger hurts no one but yourself, and acceptance is the only way to be at peace with your life (a lesson I tried to impart on you. My greatest hope for you is that you will learn it before your anger and frustrations destroy you). I am a little hurt that you did not believe I deserved that same respect I had for you, however, I am over it. I will readily accept what I cannot change and that is a lesson I learned, in part, from this friendship.
(And by the way, words do have the capacity to hurt me but I choose ignore the words of people who do not have my best interests at heart. That is a lesson I learned long before you and I were friends.)
I knew it was coming. I actually planned on initiating the conversation myself, but I wanted to do it in person. I felt I owed this person that much. They beat me to the punch and decided that instant messaging was good enough to end a three year friendship that, at one point, was very important to me. It ended in an exchange of messages that left me so angry I was literally shaking and then that was it. The anger is gone. While I am sure that I will lose other friendships as a result of the ending of this one, I am still not angry. Just saddened that it ended this way. I overestimated my former friend’s capacity to be accepting and understanding, a mistake I will try and avoid in the future. Now I just feel sorry for them for reasons I won’t elaborate further because, honestly, I said my piece and the public doesn’t need to know the particulars. Besides I could argue my position until the day I die, but it won’t change anything.
I had really hoped that this person and I could be quite mature about the situation, and not discuss it in blogs and such. I over-estimated them. Well I don’t feel much like taking the high road anymore. I’ve done it a lot. I’ve kept my mouth shut when things were said that pissed me off, I’ve tried to hold my tongue when rants were uttered for the thousandth time and I accepted stupid little comments about my flaws as a person (all of which I am perfectly aware of and do not need reminding of) all for the sake of preserving a friendship. After all, those who wish to have long term friendships must learn to have short term memories.
When I was a teenager I used to go to church several times a week. I won’t lie and say I went because I was uber religious. I went because my friends were there and it was the one place my mom would let me go and hang out without her supervision. I did learn a lot about my faith and friendship while I was there. I picked up quite a bit very useful advice from our youth pastors that has helped me everyday since he shared it with us. One of the things he told us was that we cannot go through life expecting things to be completely fair. Sometimes you will end up with the short end of the stick and that includes in friendships and we have to remember that not every friendship is an answer to your prayer, but rather you are the answer to someone else’s or at least you are there to do something God needs you to do. He taught us to believe that there is a purpose behind every action we do, and a reason why people enter and exit our lives. While we do not understand God’s purpose, we have to accept them and believe that we learned something, even if it was a lesson we care not to repeat.
So to that person who used to be my friend, just know that I am not angry; holding on to anger hurts no one but yourself, and acceptance is the only way to be at peace with your life (a lesson I tried to impart on you. My greatest hope for you is that you will learn it before your anger and frustrations destroy you). I am a little hurt that you did not believe I deserved that same respect I had for you, however, I am over it. I will readily accept what I cannot change and that is a lesson I learned, in part, from this friendship.
(And by the way, words do have the capacity to hurt me but I choose ignore the words of people who do not have my best interests at heart. That is a lesson I learned long before you and I were friends.)
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