huh? what?

"Finals. Papers. Panic. Readings. So far behind. What to do! what to do! Need sleep."

That's whats been running through my mind for the past week and a half. I have just over a week until finals start, then I have 10 days in which to finish all this terms work including a 20 page research report that I have barely started the primary research for. Sometimes being an Anthropology major sucks. I love it even when I hate it though so I can't really complain. All I can say is thank goodness I haven't had to work in the past few weeks, My boss has done one of three things.
1. He's taken pity on my fellow research assistant and I and decided to wait until the new year to load us up with new data since we both have a lighter course load next year.

2. He has forgotten that he hired to RA's to do his bitch work, so we're still on pay roll even though we don't actually do any work

3. He is just as big a procrastinator as I and doesn't actually have anything to just us yet.

Now it's quite possible that its option one. After all he is a very nice man and took pity on my during finals/mid-term this summer when I was up to my eyeballs in school work plus spending 24 hours a week in classrooms and another 30 doing course work. It would be awesome if its option 2. I'd just keep getting overpaid (cause I am grossly overpaid for what I do but apparently that's starting salary so I won't complain) until my contract runs up in April. But it's likely 3. I've come to realize that most profs are permanent students thus are just as big procrastinators as the ones they teach. IT doesn't really matter as long as I don't have to work until at least December 13. December 13 is my freedom day. My last final is a taken home and its due that day and since my research report is due in 14th at the latest, I will have it done bu then and save myself the bus fare.

Since I have been spending the last 3 weeks doing nothing just school work (4th year is kicking my ass), I haven't had a social life. I did see Enchanted last night. Cutest movie ever! Love and Adore! Now I was very tired and in desperate need of a brainless happy cheesy Disney McDreamy moment so I may have enjoyed it far more than the average person but it was still quite good. Next on my movie list is August Rush and Fred Claus. Possibly the Golden Compass but the jury is still out on that.

Now to concluding this rambling blog of stress. My Happy This brought to you by the letter B.

Blue Raspberry Sour Starburst. Random, I know, but deeply embedded in Michela-Lore. I shall share the story that will probably end up being longer than the actual blog. My OAC year of high school nearly killed me. OAC for the vast majority of the population that doens't know what it is, is basically grade 13. In the old Ontario curriculum there were two diplomas; The basic grade 12 diploma which you got if you were going directly in to the workforce or in to college, and the OAC diploma which you got if you did an extra year of high school and were planning on going in to university since Canada doesn't have standardized tests like the SATs or ACTs. Entrance is based on your grades in your final year of school. To be an OAC student you had be have at least a C+ or B in the required courses from the previous year and you were stuck in school for an extra year. My OAC year was the last one before it was phased out.

I have never been a very strong student. I work my ass off for my grades. Even the C+'s (I am proud to say I haven't got anything lower than a C+ in University. Quite an accomplishment I think). In OAC I was not only trying to get in to university, I was competing with nearly twice the number of people because the OAC class and the 12 class were both applying. Needless to say I was stressed and pushed myself too hard. I got sick a lot, didn't have time for a social life, and developed a panic and anxiety disorder. Yeah it sucked.

There was a bright spot though. A lot of the people in my grade fast tracked. They took summer school, or an above required course load, and finished a term or even a whole year early, so by the time second term came around, there were only about 75 OACs left and most of us had been going to that school since grade nine so we all knew each other. We'd show up to class in sweats or even PJ pants. Girls didn't bother with make up or styles more complicated than a messy pony tail. guys didn't bother with hair gel or shaving. It was awesome. We were all comfortable just being ourselves. After all who the hell did we have to impress, we were the top of the food chain and had bigger things to worry about lol.

Everyday in fourth period I had World Geography, my favourite class with my favourite teacher. It was a small class, like less than 20 people, compared to the 35 in some other classes we had to share with the grade 12s. I sat next to my good friend Angela, and everyday one of us would buy a pack of sour starburst from the caff to give us little sugar jolt to get us through those last 2 periods of class. I got the Orange ones, Angela got the Grape, and we would split the Cherry and Blue Raspberry ones. But the Blue Raspberry were the best because of one very special trait; they would turn your tongue blue better than any other candy on the market, even tongue painter chupachups (anyone remember those). So we'd pop one in at the beginning of class when the teacher was giving the lesson and quietly suck on it until it was gone, then we'd compare tongues. Who ever had the bluest one won. There was no prize, no punishment. the loser didn't have buy the starburst the next day, and the winner didn't extra candy. It was pure bragging rights ( for the record I won more than Angela).

Eventually the other girls in the class got in on the action and there would be multiple packages bought everyday and shared in class. On supply teacher days and video days we'd bring crafts (one girl knit, not me I hadn't quite mastered that yet, one made bracelets, Angela did origami, I made little beaded bags). It was awesome and I miss it and to this day I think of that class and those people whenever I have a Blue Raspberry Sour Starburst and I smile.

I enjoy the little things

I've always known that small things amuse me, but today it struck me how much joy I derive from the little things in life. Here are a few things I noticed between 11:30 this morning and 5 this afternoon that make me very happy:

I love that my new red coat that keeps me warm when its freezing but not too warm when its just cool. And my pretty black ballet flats with the ribbon bow on the front make me want to dance down the sidewalk on the way to class. The delicious smell of Apple Cinnamon Tea after a long break-less lecture. The feel of soft yarn as I knit (especially when I knit in class). That satisfying squish of a new piece of gum. Remembering that I have friends who so desire my presence, that they track me down in tutorial because they are hungry, but don't want to start lunch without me. Laughing at nothing with the same friends. Walking through the rotunda in Vari Hall and feeling so small, but at the same time a part of something so big. Customer service reps who take my complaint seriously, courteously and with the promise to resolve the issue. The first 12 bars of Keys to the World by Richard Ashcroft. Coming home and seeing my mother in a good mood.

That's a lot of things in less than 6 hours. It was a lot of things I needed to notice today. I've been having a stressful few weeks. Not new stress, all of it is school related which I am thankfully used to at this point, but enough stress to make me feel a little down. Add a stolen cell phone to the mix and the discovery that my beloved iPod, Georgie, has lost nearly 50% batter capacity meaning I'll have to replace her soon, and I was feeling rather bummed this week.

Things are better now though. I replaced the phone, with a much prettier model, and reminded myself that Georgie still gets nearly 8 hours of battery life out of a single charge meaning she has enough life inside her to keep going for a few more months before I'll have to send her away (at which point I will cry). At the the mix my list of simple little happy things and I am feeling quite good.

In the spirit of this, I am going to do something I've posted on a bunch of other blogs. At the end of every entry, I'm going to do an ABC of happy things. After 26 blog entries, I'll have a list of 26 happy things to remind me (and you, if you keep reading) of some of the things I may not always notice, but are always there.

A: Apple Juice. I love apple juice. Its sweet and a little tangy and reminds me of being 6 years old and playing with barbies on the front lawn.



P.S. Halloween was a hit. did 6 pumpkins including Oogie Boogie. Voldemort, A Werewolf, A Dragon, and from The Nightmare Before Christmas, Zero, Jack Skellington, and Oogie. They were all popular, but Voldemort was the favourite this year.

End of an era.

I lost a friendship tonight.

I knew it was coming. I actually planned on initiating the conversation myself, but I wanted to do it in person. I felt I owed this person that much. They beat me to the punch and decided that instant messaging was good enough to end a three year friendship that, at one point, was very important to me. It ended in an exchange of messages that left me so angry I was literally shaking and then that was it. The anger is gone. While I am sure that I will lose other friendships as a result of the ending of this one, I am still not angry. Just saddened that it ended this way. I overestimated my former friend’s capacity to be accepting and understanding, a mistake I will try and avoid in the future. Now I just feel sorry for them for reasons I won’t elaborate further because, honestly, I said my piece and the public doesn’t need to know the particulars. Besides I could argue my position until the day I die, but it won’t change anything.

I had really hoped that this person and I could be quite mature about the situation, and not discuss it in blogs and such. I over-estimated them. Well I don’t feel much like taking the high road anymore. I’ve done it a lot. I’ve kept my mouth shut when things were said that pissed me off, I’ve tried to hold my tongue when rants were uttered for the thousandth time and I accepted stupid little comments about my flaws as a person (all of which I am perfectly aware of and do not need reminding of) all for the sake of preserving a friendship. After all, those who wish to have long term friendships must learn to have short term memories.

When I was a teenager I used to go to church several times a week. I won’t lie and say I went because I was uber religious. I went because my friends were there and it was the one place my mom would let me go and hang out without her supervision. I did learn a lot about my faith and friendship while I was there. I picked up quite a bit very useful advice from our youth pastors that has helped me everyday since he shared it with us. One of the things he told us was that we cannot go through life expecting things to be completely fair. Sometimes you will end up with the short end of the stick and that includes in friendships and we have to remember that not every friendship is an answer to your prayer, but rather you are the answer to someone else’s or at least you are there to do something God needs you to do. He taught us to believe that there is a purpose behind every action we do, and a reason why people enter and exit our lives. While we do not understand God’s purpose, we have to accept them and believe that we learned something, even if it was a lesson we care not to repeat.

So to that person who used to be my friend, just know that I am not angry; holding on to anger hurts no one but yourself, and acceptance is the only way to be at peace with your life (a lesson I tried to impart on you. My greatest hope for you is that you will learn it before your anger and frustrations destroy you). I am a little hurt that you did not believe I deserved that same respect I had for you, however, I am over it. I will readily accept what I cannot change and that is a lesson I learned, in part, from this friendship.

(And by the way, words do have the capacity to hurt me but I choose ignore the words of people who do not have my best interests at heart. That is a lesson I learned long before you and I were friends.)